Episode 2. No-one Is Coming To Rescue You.

Happiness isn't the closely guarded secret that I once believed, only the lucky few had. It was right there inside me. But like learning anything worthwhile, it required effort. I  lost nothing by trying, except misery.

My previous blog talked about how I consciously and actively sought (and still seek) positive things from all my life experiences, to help me to learn, grow and be happy,  and how I had to practice doing it, with patience and persistence. Over time I felt generally happier. I could finally put that heavy weight of doom down the shit chute.

Another important step I learned, was to take proper care of myself. We hear so much about self-love these days. For me self-love was not about treating or rewarding myself excessively, or being selfish, it was about parenting myself, as you would a child in your care, to behave well and to make healthy choices. I had to follow a routine. After all, you wouldn't let your kid drink a bottle of vodka or eat the contents of Greggs, would you? If you answered yes, seek immediate help...

'Urghh boring,' you might be thinking. That's what I thought anyway. But all my previous strategies had led me to The Abyss of Self-Destruction so...I dragged myself kicking and screaming (actually more like shuffling and sulking) from The Darkside towards what I first  believed to be boring, old, sensible 'Routine,' It even sounds rubbish, with its stupid roots.  At my lowest point, in the beginning, the goals that formed my routine were as follows: get up before 9am, open blinds, look outside, eat some food, have a shower and go to bed before midnight.

These tiny achievements were my foundations, upon which, I have re-built my life. I held onto every little positive, however small, to mend my shredded self-esteem.

After some time, I increased my goals to include: do some housework, speak to someone, volunteer to help somebody (at that time I was largely unemployable so that cost me nothing more than losing loneliness), go on a free, but interesting course.  Each achievement helped to repair my mangled soul.

Some days I would feel like I'd achieved nothing, the negative self-talk idiot would turn up, self-righteous naysayer, telling me... 'What's the point? It's always going to be shit.' I realised if I listened to that fool, I'd be right. Now when your inner idiot shows up, there are tools you can use. Firstly remember even breathing on those days is a positive, believe you me, some days you will be glad of it! Can't think of anything else to use to stay positive? Have you got clean running water? What's your bed like? Is it a pile of housebricks and a bit of wet newspaper? No? I think you get my point. Grab at anything and everything to fight this creature with. The good news is he eventually gives up. The more ammo you throw at him, the quicker it takes. I even wrote to mine to dump him..Great advice from a lovely pal of mine.

When my motivation failed, I relied upon 'Big Mummy Gilli'  to gently lead the way with self-discipline. In the dead of night when I felt so sorry for myself, all felt hopeless, and I wanted to cry myself to sleep, she would nudge me and whisper...'we will try again tomorrow.'

 I never see failure now -  only the elimination of what's not working for me.

 I try again tomorrow, every single day.

© Gillian Cullis 26/05/18